A recovery guide for borderline personality disorder

I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me

Thirty chapters of practical skills for a nervous system that responds faster and harder than most. Written to be opened during a bad week, not read once and shelved.

Get the book Find where to start

By Sage Lyons · paperback, hardcover, ebook & audiobook · not the Kreisman book

I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me by Sage Lyons, book cover

30chapters

89free guides

4editions

6h 13maudiobook

Start here

What's going on right now?

Eight routes into the material. Not a diagnostic tool and not a test — it points you at three specific pages based on what is actually happening today.

All eight routes and where each one leads:

Everything feels too intense, too fast

Start with what is happening, then something for the next twenty minutes

One person is consuming everything

The favorite person dynamic, and the cycle underneath it

Flat, empty, not in crisis

The symptom least written about, and what actually shifts it

The same thing keeps happening in relationships

Patterns, repair, and asking without testing

I can't stop attacking myself

Shame, and the skill that works against it

I was just diagnosed and I'm reeling

What the label means, and what the outlook actually is

I'm supporting someone else

What this book gives you, and what it will not

I'm just deciding whether to buy it

No pitch — the honest version, including who it does not suit

Would rather browse? All 89 guides · Every question answered · Glossary

Browse by what's happening

Eighty-nine guides, sorted by what you're dealing with

Free to read, no sign-up. Each one draws on a specific chapter of the book.

What's inside

All thirty chapters

Read straight through, or open it at whichever chapter matches the thing happening now — nothing later assumes you finished what came before.

1–7
Understanding what is happening
The BPD brain, the favorite person phenomenon, emotional dysregulation, the shame trap, relationships used as regulation, impulsivity and self-harm, the sabotage cycle.
8–9
Noticing before reacting
Mindfulness, and body awareness as an early warning system.
10–12
Regulating and surviving
Opposite action, distress tolerance and TIPP, emotion identification.
13–15
Changing how you treat yourself
Validation and its six levels, cognitive defusion, self-compassion.
16–19
Acting in the world
DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST, problem-solving, a life worth living, routines.
20–24
Support and what's underneath
Professional help, sustaining recovery, boundaries, physical health, trauma.
25–30
The long run
A year-long integration plan, advanced relationship skills, grief, resilience, meaning, a closing roadmap.

See the full chapter list What the book argues

Four editions

Pick the one you'll actually use

Identical text in all four. Choose for the way you already read, not the one that seems most committed — a paperback bought out of good intentions and never opened helps nobody.

For writing alongside

Paperback

Lies flat next to a notebook, takes annotation, survives being carried.

Get the paperback About this edition →

For keeping

Hardcover

Holds up to years of repeated use and stays open on a desk.

Get the hardcover About this edition →

For searching

Ebook

Highlight, search back, and read at night without disturbing anyone.

Get the ebook About this edition →

6h 13m

Audiobook

When sitting down with a book is not going to happen. Same text, narrated.

Get the audiobook About this edition →

Compare all four in detail · Where to buy · All comparisons

Who it's for

Written to the person living with it

The book is addressed to you, in the second person, not about you to somebody else. Readers arrive from very different places, though, and the route in matters.

Newly diagnosed New to all this Partners Family & loved ones Parents Teens & young adults Therapists Alongside therapy

All reader routes →

Common questions

Answered without a pitch

Every question →

Being straight with you

What a book can and cannot do

It can

Be there at 2am, repeatedly, at no extra cost
Give you language before you have to use it in a room
Fill the months people spend waiting for treatment
Make the therapy you do get more productive

It cannot

Diagnose you — that needs a clinician and a full history
Notice what you're avoiding, or adapt to you specifically
Assess risk when things are escalating
Replace treatment where treatment is available

If you need help right now, please don't read on — the crisis support page lists free confidential helplines that answer immediately, wherever you are.

Educational disclaimer: this site supports book discovery and general learning about borderline personality disorder. It does not diagnose, replace individualised professional care, or provide emergency support. If you are in crisis, contact local emergency services or a crisis line — see the crisis support page.