“When I text you, I don't hear back for hours. This happens several times a week.”
Instead of: “You're always ignoring me and I hate it.”
Recovery guides · chapter 16
DEAR MAN
Use it when what you want matters most — a request honoured, a boundary set, a need met. Seven steps, each with a version that fails and a version that works.
The seven steps
Work through them in order when you draft the conversation. Most of the value is in the drafting, not the delivery.
- 01
D — Describe
State the situation as facts, without judgment. Not “you're always ignoring me and I hate it” but “when I text you, I don't hear back for hours, several times a week.”
- 02
E — Express
Say how it lands for you, in I-statements. Not “you don't care about me” but “I feel hurt and worried when I don't hear from you, because I interpret it as not mattering to you.”
- 03
A — Assert
Say clearly what you want, specifically. Not “you need to text me back” but “I'd like you to respond within an hour if you're able.”
- 04
R — Reinforce
Give the positive consequence. Not “do this or else” but “if we do this, I'll feel more secure and we'll communicate better.”
- 05
M — Mindful
Stay on your goal. If other issues get raised, redirect: “I understand that's important and we can talk about it later. Right now I'm asking about…”
- 06
A — Appear confident
Assertive body language, eye contact, steady tone — even when you do not feel it inside. The chapter is explicit that appearing confident is a separate skill from being confident.
- 07
N — Negotiate
Be willing to meet in the middle. Not “my way or nothing” but “what would work for you? Would twice a day work?”
The same need, delivered two ways
Taken from the chapter's own worked examples. The need is identical in each pair; only the form changes.
“I feel hurt and worried when I don't hear from you, because I interpret it as not mattering to you.”
Instead of: “You don't care about me.”
“I would like you to respond to my texts within an hour if you're able.”
Instead of: “You need to text me back.”
“If we do this, I'll feel more secure and we'll have better communication.”
Instead of: “Do this or else.”
“What would work for you? Would twice a day work?”
Instead of: “My way or nothing.”
“I understand that's important, and we can talk about it later. Right now I'm asking about this.”
Instead of: getting pulled onto a different argument
When DEAR MAN is the wrong tool
Chapter 16 sets out three modules and says plainly which to use when. DEAR MAN is only one of them.
If this matters most
Getting the outcome — the request honoured, the boundary held
Use
DEAR MAN
If this matters most
The relationship surviving the conversation intact
Use
GIVE
If this matters most
Your self-respect and not compromising your values
Use
FAST
If this matters most
All three at once
Use
You will have to prioritise. The chapter's point is that naming which one is primary changes how you speak.
Why drafting it matters more than delivering it
DEAR MAN looks like a script and functions more like a checklist for thinking. Its value is that working through the seven steps forces you to establish what you actually want before you open your mouth, which is the step people skip.
The Describe step does most of the work. Separating what happened from what you concluded about it — “I don't hear back for hours” from “you're ignoring me” — is frequently enough on its own to change how the conversation goes, because the other person is not defending themselves from an accusation before you have finished your first sentence.
The Mindful step is the one that fails most often in practice. Difficult conversations reliably branch, and the branch is usually more emotionally available than the original request. Deciding in advance that you will redirect once, twice, three times is what keeps the conversation about the thing you needed.
None of this guarantees the answer is yes. The chapter is clear that DEAR MAN improves how clearly you ask, not whether the other person agrees — and that separating those two is itself part of the skill.
Most failed requests were never actually made — they were hinted, tested, or delivered as an accusation.
Educational disclaimer: this page supports book discovery and general learning about borderline personality disorder. It does not diagnose, replace individualised professional care, or provide emergency support. If you are in crisis, contact local emergency services or a crisis line — see the crisis support page.