Write what actually happened
Factually, as a camera would record it. Not the meaning, not the verdict. Most items shrink measurably at this step, and a few do not — those are the ones that need the rest of it.
After you've hurt someone
Self-forgiveness
Most people who get far enough into this to be reading a page like it arrive with a list. Things said, relationships damaged, people who no longer speak to them. What to do with the list is a genuine question and the usual answers are useless.
Why the two standard answers both fail
The first standard answer is that it was the illness, not you. This is comforting for about a day and then stops working, because you remember choosing. Something in you knows the difference between a seizure and a decision made badly at high intensity, and a framing that denies the second is one you will eventually stop believing — along with everything attached to it.
The second is that you must hold it, permanently, as the price. This has the appearance of moral seriousness and it produces nothing. Sustained self-punishment does not repair anything, does not compensate anyone, and reliably makes the behaviour more likely by keeping you depleted and isolated. Nobody is helped by it, including the people who were hurt.
The version that holds is narrower and more uncomfortable than either. You did it. It had causes that explain it and do not excuse it. Explanation and excuse are different operations and collapsing them is what makes this so hard to think about clearly.
What follows from that is specific: acknowledge the actual thing, repair what can be repaired, change what makes it recur, and then stop. The stopping is the part people cannot do, and it is not optional — a person conducting a permanent campaign against themselves has less capacity for change, not more.
There is also a category of harm that cannot be repaired, because the person is gone, or has asked you not to contact them, or because a decade cannot be returned. That is grief rather than an outstanding debt, and treating grief as a debt keeps you looking for a payment that does not exist.
Self-punishment is not accountability. It is the appearance of accountability, performed for an audience of one.
Working through one item
One at a time, in writing. Do not do this with a list of forty things in one evening — that is the shame doing it, not you.
Separate cause from excuse
What state were you in, what preceded it, what did you not have. Then write the sentence: 'that explains it and does not excuse it.' Both halves, out loud if you can. The two-part sentence is the mechanism here.
Decide what repair is available
Sometimes an apology. Sometimes an amends that is not an apology. Sometimes nothing, because contact would be for you rather than for them. Nothing is a legitimate answer and it is not the easy one.
Name the change
One concrete thing that is different now, or one you will make. This is what converts the item from an open wound into something with a use, and it is the only compensation actually available.
Close it, and write the date
Explicitly. Reopening it a hundred times is the shame, not the conscience. When it comes back — it will — reread the page rather than re-running it from the start.
The hard questions
Including the ones with unsatisfying answers.
Do I deserve to forgive myself?
Deserving is the wrong frame and it is the one shame supplies. The question that leads somewhere is what happens next — whether you are more or less likely to cause harm again while conducting a permanent campaign against yourself. The answer to that is well established.
What if they won't forgive me?
That is theirs, and it is legitimate. Your accountability does not depend on being released by them, and pursuing forgiveness after it has been declined turns an amends into a demand.
Should I apologise to everyone?
No. Some apologies reopen something the other person has closed, and are for your benefit rather than theirs. The question is whether contact would serve them. If you cannot answer that honestly, ask someone who knows the situation.
How do I stop rerunning it at 3am?
Write it down once, properly, dated. The loop is largely maintained by the sense of unfinished business. A page you can reread converts an open process into a closed one, and rereading is much cheaper than re-running.
What if I did something genuinely serious?
Then this page is not enough, and that is not a criticism of you. Serious harm needs a therapist, and possibly other things depending on what it was. A page cannot hold it and should not pretend to.
Where does the book cover this?
Chapter 4 on shame and chapter 15 on self-compassion. Chapter 27, on grief without self-destruction, covers the category that cannot be repaired.
Educational disclaimer: this page supports book discovery and general learning about borderline personality disorder. It does not diagnose, replace individualised professional care, or provide emergency support. If you are in crisis, contact local emergency services or a crisis line — see the crisis support page.