“I'm going to stop replying at eleven so I can sleep. It isn't about you and I'll be there in the morning.”
Instead of: I can't keep doing this every night.
The hardest place to hold one
Boundaries inside a relationship
Setting a limit with a colleague is a skill. Setting one with the person whose leaving you are most afraid of is the same skill under conditions that remove most of your access to it. That difference is the whole subject of this page.
The four that come up most
Each with the version that works, because the general advice does not survive the specific case.
Contact
Response times and availability
'I'm not going to reply after eleven' fails if you then reply at eleven. The version that holds is the one you can actually keep on a bad night — which is usually looser than the one you would like to set.
Conflict
How arguments are conducted
'If either of us is shouting, I'm going to stop and come back in twenty minutes.' Applies to both, includes the return, and is the single most useful limit available to a couple where one person floods.
Space
Time apart without it meaning something
The hardest one for the person with BPD to give and to take. Worth agreeing at a calm moment, in advance, including what it does not mean — because in the moment it will read as the beginning of leaving.
Load
How much regulation one person provides
The limit that actually protects the relationship. 'I'd like us to agree I'm not the only person you talk to about this' is a sentence that can be said in either direction and rarely is.
Saying it without it reading as a threat
Same limit, two deliveries. The right-hand column is what it comes out as when it has waited too long.
“If we get to shouting I'm going to take twenty minutes. I'm coming back — that's the point of saying it now.”
Instead of: I'm done. I can't talk to you.
“I want one evening a week that isn't planned around us. I'd like you to have one too.”
Instead of: I need space.
“I'm not able to be the only person you talk to about this. That's about my capacity, not about how much I care.”
Instead of: You're too much for me.
“I've changed my mind about what I agreed last month, and I'd rather say so than quietly resent it.”
Instead of: It's fine, I said I would.
“I can't do that one. Here's what I can do instead.”
Instead of: Fine. Whatever you want.
What makes this specifically hard
The obstacles that only appear in a romantic relationship.
Won't a limit make them leave?
The reverse is the more common outcome. Relationships that end here usually end from accumulated unstated resentment or from an ultimatum, not from an early, calmly-stated limit. Limits set at the point of exhaustion are the ones that read as the end.
They say my boundaries are controlling
Check what you actually stated. If it describes their behaviour — what they must do — it is a demand rather than a boundary, and the objection has a point. If it describes yours, and it is still called controlling, that is worth paying attention to.
What if we both have limits that clash?
Then it is a negotiation, not a boundary problem, and it needs a conversation about trade-offs. Two legitimate needs in conflict is a normal state for a couple, not evidence that someone is wrong.
I set them and drop them within a day
The most common failure, and it usually means the limit was set during a fight and was really a threat. Set them calm, small, and only ones you can keep. A limit dropped teaches both of you that limits are a function of your mood.
They agree and nothing changes
Name the pattern rather than repeating the limit. 'We've agreed this three times and nothing has changed, so agreeing isn't the issue.' That is a different and more productive conversation.
Where does the book cover this?
Chapter 22 on relationships with healthy boundaries, with chapter 16 supplying the language. Chapter 5 covers what happens when the relationship is doing the regulating.
Educational disclaimer: this page supports book discovery and general learning about borderline personality disorder. It does not diagnose, replace individualised professional care, or provide emergency support. If you are in crisis, contact local emergency services or a crisis line — see the crisis support page.