“I can't do Thursday. I can do Saturday afternoon.”
Instead of: I'll see if I can move some things around.
Yes — chapter 22
Does it discuss boundaries?
Yes — chapter 22, on relationships with healthy boundaries, with chapter 16 supplying the language for stating them. The book's definition is narrower than the one in general circulation, and the difference is the useful part.
What the book counts as a boundary
The distinction it insists on: a boundary describes what you will do, not what the other person must do.
| Not a boundary | A boundary |
|---|---|
| You're not allowed to raise your voice at me. | If you shout, I'm going to leave the room and we can pick this up later. |
| You need to reply to me within an hour. | I get anxious when I don't hear back for a long stretch, so I'm going to stop checking and do something else. |
| Stop talking to your ex. | I'm not comfortable with that and I need to think about what it means for me. |
| You have to tell me where you are. | If plans change without warning more than occasionally, I'm going to stop building my evening around them. |
| Don't bring that up in front of your family. | If it comes up in front of your family, I'm going to change the subject or step outside. |
| You can't shut down on me. | When you go quiet for days, I'm going to say what I need once and then get on with my week. |
The language chapter 16 supplies
DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST are the tools; these are the sentences they tend to produce when the subject is a limit.
“I'm not going to talk about this while either of us is shouting.”
Instead of: Fine. FINE. Say whatever you want.
“I'd rather not lend money. It's not about you — I've decided not to do it with anyone.”
Instead of: I'll check my account and let you know.
“I need one evening a week that isn't planned around anyone else.”
Instead of: It's fine, honestly, I don't mind.
“That's not something I'm willing to discuss. I'm not upset with you.”
Instead of: Why do you always have to bring that up?
“I've changed my mind about what I agreed to last week, and I want to say so now rather than resent it later.”
Instead of: No, it's fine, I said I would.
Why boundaries are especially hard with BPD
Four mechanisms the chapter addresses directly, each producing a different failure.
Fear
A limit feels like risking the relationship
If closeness is what regulates you, any limit reads as a step towards losing it. So limits do not get set until resentment forces one, and then it arrives as an ultimatum.
Guilt
Someone else's disappointment is unbearable
A boundary that upsets someone produces guilt intense enough to reverse it within a day. Reversal teaches everyone that limits are provisional, which makes the next one harder.
Absence
No internal reference for what is acceptable
If the sense of self is thin, working out what you are and are not willing to accept is genuinely difficult — there is no baseline to compare against. Chapter 18's values material is the relevant groundwork.
Overcorrection
From none to rigid, overnight
The common swing: years of no limits, then a wall. Rigid boundaries feel safe and end relationships that were repairable. The chapter treats consistency as the goal rather than firmness.
Follow-up questions
Including the one about whether this book is aimed at the right person.
Is this for setting boundaries or having them set on me?
Setting them. The book is written to the person with BPD. If you are the partner or parent looking for how to hold a limit with someone who has BPD, the reader-route pages on this site are a better starting point than the boundaries chapter.
What if they don't respect it?
Then you find out what the boundary was actually made of, because it describes your behaviour rather than theirs. If you said you would leave the room, leave the room. A boundary that is never acted on is a request that has been declined.
Isn't this just being difficult?
It is a reasonable fear and it is usually a sign of the opposite. People who worry about being difficult are rarely the ones who are. Chapter 16's FAST skill is specifically about keeping self-respect intact while asking, which addresses this directly.
How do I know what my boundaries are?
Follow the resentment. Recurring resentment reliably marks a limit that has been crossed repeatedly without ever being stated, and it is a far better guide than trying to derive them in the abstract.
Can I change one later?
Yes, and saying so explicitly is better than quietly abandoning it. 'I said no calls after ten and I've changed my mind about that' keeps the limit meaningful; silently dropping it does not.
Which chapters should I read for this?
22 for the substance, 16 for the language, and 18 if you are stuck at the stage of not knowing what you want. In that order.
Educational disclaimer: this page supports book discovery and general learning about borderline personality disorder. It does not diagnose, replace individualised professional care, or provide emergency support. If you are in crisis, contact local emergency services or a crisis line — see the crisis support page.